In preparing to appear at the brilliant Fan Fiction Comedy show at this year’s Melbourne Comedy Festival, I realized that I never actually posted the piece I wrote for last year’s show, which I just re-read and I think is actually ok.
It was about the brilliant TV show Charmed. I hope you like it. You can read my other FF comedy piece about Captain Planet here if you like.
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Charmed was a supernatural drama about the Halliwell sisters, Prue, Piper and Phoebe (and later Paige, although that was bullshit, I am Shannon Doherty 4 LYF). Together the sisters activate the ancient power of three and become the Charmed Ones, the most powerful witches of all time, charged with protecting the innocent from black magic and the evils of the demonic world, whilst ALSO trying to hold down a job AND find a decent man in the bustling modern metropolis of San Francisco in the early 2000s.
No easy feat, am I right, ladies?
Prue had the power of telekinesis, Piper had the power to stop time and Phoebe had the power of premonition where she could randomly see flashes into the future, although in later seasons (when the writers realized that that power was a bit limiting) she also gained the powers of levitation and then the fundamentally shithouse power of “empathy”, i.e. the power to feel other people’s emotions. Yeah, it’s called listening, bitch.
At the end of Season Three when Prue died (spoiler alert, even though it wasn’t even planned, Shannen Doherty and Alyssa Milano couldn’t stand each other and so Shannen left, which is so ironic because their characters Prue and Phoebe did not get along, they were like chalk and cheese!). When Prue died, she was replaced by a third half-sister Paige (played by Rose McGowan), who was half-witch/half-Whitelighter so she had the power to orb and heal and – well, I don’t need to tell you guys how awesome Whitelighters are, that’s for sure!
And of course the Charmed Ones also had the Book of Shadows where they could source a variety of spells to help them vanquish various demons and warlocks (that is, when they weren’t busy fucking them). Very often the show was like the 1996 film The Craft meets Sex and the City.
Charmed ran from 1998 to 2006 for 8 seasons, a total of 178 episodes and in no way did it overstay its welcome, even with episodes in the later seasons with titles such as “The Seven Year Witch”, “Gone With The Witches”, “The Bare Witch Project”, “Mr. And Mrs. Witch”, “Cheaper By The Coven”, “Desperate Housewitches” and “Payback’s a Witch”.
It was essentially a poor man’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer or if Sabrina the Teenage Witch got a gritty reboot. And it was produced by a man named Aaron Spelling and that was his actual name and that is crazy.
Now in October of last year, CBS announced that they were working on bringing Charmed back, in response to that, Rose McGowan tweeted “They really are running out of ideas in Hollywood, lame lame lame lamertons” which I thought was pretty rich coming from someone who in 2011, was perfectly happy to guest star in an episode of Law and Order: SVU, a show which has only ever had one idea – “rape cops”.
But a few days after the reboot was announced, Alyssa Milano tweeted that she would be interested in working on a Charmed film, because that’s how well her career’s going, she just has to randomly tweet the ideas of projects she’d like to work on and hope someone will commission them. She tweeted to the other actresses asking if they would be interested in being in the film and they all agreed they would so I would now like to present to you today my pitch for the Charmed movie.
The working title is Charmed: Let’s Get Witched!
(Sing theme)
(That was the original theme to the show, that was Love Spit Love’s cover of The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now?”. I really love the Smiths, but all the cool indie cred I get for liking the Smiths is really undermined by the fact that I got into them through the theme song of Charmed.)
We open on Halliwell Manor. Piper is in the kitchen preparing lunch to represent her emotional stability. We suddenly see panic on her face. She whips her head around to look at the stovetop where a pot is bubbling over furiously.
“Oh no!” she cries. She flicks her fingers and – WHOOOO – time stands still. She casually walks around the kitchen island, dips a spoon into the broth, takes a sip and smacks her lips. “More like bubble, bubble, toil and DELICIOUS!” she says to Kit the cat, who somehow hasn’t been frozen by Piper’s powers because apparently she doesn’t freeze all of time, just the world within a certain special radius around her, however the fuck THAT works.
NNNNNNNNNNNNEOW
In a sudden late 90s CGI effect, Piper’s husband Leo Wyatt the Whitelighter orbs into the room.
“Piper! Come quick! Your sisters are in trouble!”
“Hmmphf,” scoffed Piper. “I would be able to come quickly if someone used their Whitelighter powers to heal my pussy every once in a while!”
“Piper, now’s not the time to discuss our marital problems.”
“Oh really, Leo, then when is? All you ever talk about these days is cosmic battle with the Source of All Evil. Are you having an affair?”
“No! Piper, I’m a Whitelighter; I’m a reincarnated human being sent by the Elders to watch over the Charmed Ones and protect you from evil and demonic forces that want to kill you.”
“Yeah – like I haven’t heard that one before…”
“Dammit Piper, sometimes I wish I hadn’t married you. I only got with you in the first place because I thought you were the one on Who’s The Boss?
“But that doesn’t matter right now; we need to save Prue and Phoebe from Belthazor, the demonic hitman hired by The Triad to murder you all (played by Julian McMahon, aka former Australian Prime Minister Billy McMahon’s son). Quick! Bring the Book of Shadows!”
Piper grabs the Book of Shadows from the kitchen bench where it was just sitting there, because even though it was the oldest and most powerful spellbook in the world, the Halliwell sisters did tend to treat it like a John Grisham novel, just flinging it around, using it as a doorstop, who gives a fuck?
She runs into Leo’s arms and they immediately orb out of there.
NNNNNEOOOOOWWWWWWWWW
Cut to a dingy abandoned warehouse that is most definitely not an old set from Passions.
Piper and Leo orb into the room to discover Prue and Phoebe tied to a wooden stake atop a pile of kindling.
“Piper!” they scream.
“Prue! Phoebe! Are you guys ok? Rumour has it that you guys hate each others’ guts and filming scenes together was a nightmare, so this doesn’t look like a good situation for you!”
“Piper, you’ve got to help us,” yells Prue. “I feel so scared!”
“I know you feel scared, Prue,” says Phoebe. “For I have the power of EMAPTHY!”
“Oh fuck off,” say her sisters.
“Get a real power,” mutters Prue, rolling her eyes, accidentally telekinetically knocking over some rocks in the corner.
“Yeah Phoebe,” says Piper. “Couldn’t you have, you know, maybe seen this coming? That would have been helpful. Hellooo?”
“Fuck you and the Whitelighter dick you rode in on, Piper!”
“Whoa, whoa, ladies, you’ve got to stop arguing,” says Leo soothingly. “Quick Piper, go untie them, I’ll hold onto the Book.”
Piper shoves the Book of Shadows into Leo’s muscular arms and starts to move towards her sisters.
“Piper, nooo!” screams Phoebe.
“What?” says Piper. “What’s going on? Where is Belthazor, anyway?”
“Mwahahahahahaha!”
Piper turns around and we see Leo laughing maniacally as he shapeshifts into his true form: the snarling, red-skinned Belthazor!
“You fool, witch! You’ve just handed me the most powerful magical tool in all the universe and handed me the lives of the legendary Charmed Ones. I can’t believe it was this easy. Like seriously, this was really, really easy; if you ladies didn’t have this whole ‘Power of Three’ deal going on you would have been totally demon-raped heaps of times by now.”
“Prue?” says Piper nervously over her shoulder. “Want to help out with some mindy-powers or something?”
We see a close up of Prue’s face grimacing with concentration, the way Shannen Doherty’s face must have looked when she was debating whether or not she was desperate enough to come to Australia for Comic Con 2014.
Belthazor is knocked back slightly by Prue’s attacks, but simply shrugs them off and laughs.
“Mwahaha foolish witch! You can’t hurt me here in my demonic lair! Your white magic cannot hurt me; we’re in the middle of a pentogram of fire and directly below a McDonalds!”
“Oh guys?” says Phoebe. “I’m – I’m getting a flash of the future!”
“What do you see?” asks Prue, panicked.
“It’s…it’s the year 2011 and I’m…I’m agreeing to do a movie? It’s…Beverley Hills Chihuahua 2! It’s straight to video, oh dear god!”
Belthazor uppercuts Piper and sends her flying through the air, slamming into the stake and her sisters. He beckons the fire of the pentogram surrounding them and it flares up, catching the kindling alight.
“Piper!” yells Prue. “Catch!”
Using her powers, Prue wills the Book of Shadows out of Belthazor’s hands and sends it flying to Piper, who catches it and tries to keep it away from the flames.
“What now?” says Piper.
“Find a spell!” cries Phoebe, as she tries to keep her toes out of the flames. Her tasteful 1999 pleather skirt starts to melt and sear her skin.
“You mean find a spell in this ancient book that will vanquish Belthazor, the most powerful demon of all, extinguish otherworldly fire designed to burn witches and return us home to Halliwell Manor in the bustling metropolis of San Francisco? There’s no way the Book of Shadows will have something like that!
“…I found something like that! Quick, we need to say this altogether:
Devil begone from whence you came
Ne’er again shall we speak thy name
You’re gross and mean and uber yucky
These 90s girls think you’re super sucky
The Power of Three Will Set Us Free
The Power of Three Will Set Us Free!
The Power of Three Will Set Us Free!
The Power of Three Will Set Us Freeeeeee!
(SFX)
Fade to white, then slow dissolve to an exterior shot of Halliwell Manor. A tracking shot through the house shows the three sisters sitting on the couch together, scantily clad in midriff-revealing pyjamas.
“Good thinking with the telekinesis, Prue,” says Piper.
“Thanks, Piper,” smiled Prue. “I’m pretty sure that’s the last we’ll be seeing of that demon.”
Phoebe puts her arms around her sisters’ shoulders.
“I tell you what; I’m so glad off I’ve got you guys. I mean, at the end of the day, we’re all sisters and we love each other – and that’s the greatest magic of all, right?”
Prue stands up and gives her the finger. “Fuck off, slut.”
(theme song)
That’s pretty much the idea. If you believe in this idea as strongly as I do, I’m setting up a Kickstarter, I’d love you to contribute.
Alternatively, I can let you know that all 8 seasons of Charmed are currently available on Netflix which means that I’m not going to get anything done for the next four weeks.