How can you tell your mate is an Aussie Muslim?

He’s always facing Macca.

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I don’t think nice guys necessarily finish last, but I do think hot guys are cheating.

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I think I’d be a bad parent. I know I’d look at my newborn and my immediate thought would be: “Oh…one day I’m going to catch you wanking.”

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“Of course, I was into GaGa BEFORE she was on Letterman…” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue

“Wow – you’re so good at doing the Little Monsters arm claw!” “I had a stroke.” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue

“What’s that smell?” “My meat dress.” “I think it’s gone off.” “FUCK YOU I WAS BORN THIS WAY!” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue

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Urgh, just went to the WORST event ever. Such a shame; I thought Tanya’s “I Lost All My Numbers” Party would be a riot.

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Genuine line from Shane Bourne’s Wikipedia article: “He was also in a few episodes of Prisoner”. #Logies

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I think it’s totally appropriate that the Herald Sun is the major sponsor for #MICF2011; it’s been providing punchlines for years.

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Hey when I open my sperm donation centre, remind me to name it “Get A Load Of This!”.

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I feel sorry for Jordan Paris; every comedian steals material. I’m always stealing Mr. Methane’s jokes, particularly after I eat eggs.

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Trying to pick an outfit for tonight’s Odd Future gig. Should I wear my “Choose Life” T-Shirt or my strapless dress?

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Reading Christopher Hitchens’ memoir. He describes an American cafe’s English muffin as “a travesty of both Englishness and muffindom”.

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Saw #Sourcecode. I can handle alternate realities inside people’s minds, but I found the whole “Russell Peters is funny” thing unrealistic.

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“Fred Durst” sounds like something from Shakespeare, but Fred Durst doesn’t.

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I really hope that when I get cancer from using my phone too much people will be able to tell it’s iPhone 4 cancer.

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#OsamaBinLaden #thuglife

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I think the Bali Boy deserves our compassion. 14-year-olds think Lee Harding is a good idea, and we let them off with a warning.

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Really, dead Christians? Not ONE of you is live tweeting heaven?

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If I was a celebrity chef, I’d call myself The Nombudsman.

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I’m tipping Yusuf Islam to play #OsamabinLaden in the biopic. Against his will.

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(During an episode of ABC’s “Q & A” in Albury-Wadonga)

“Our next question is from Finkle McStrawbones.” “My question is for all them shiny lights youse have – what in tarnation are ye???” #qanda

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It’s official: America is mightier than prolonged kidney disease. #BinLaden

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Someone invited me to the #FB event “Get the official DISLIKE button now!” 5 times and I don’t know how to express my annoyance at that.

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You’re right, @JimWallaceACL: the Australia our servicemen and women fought for didn’t endorse gay rights or Islam. Or the metric system.

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If I asked Morrissey out and he said, “I haven’t got a stitch to wear”, I’d be like, “Fuck off – I’ve seen your suits.”

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“Hey funky *cool* kids!?!? Don’t forget about THIS event you’ve never heard of – it’s set to be a BLAST! \^o^/” – PR Twitter accounts

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When it comes to labeling shower taps in hotel rooms, I appreciate subtlety.

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Having lunch with my Gran. She’s got a real knack for connecting anyone she talks about to either PROBUS or the fact that they’re dead.

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If Tarantino directed #The3Ninjas, Tum Tum would be filled with shame because of his weight problem and perform seppuku.

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If you enjoy urolagnia, all hours are the wee hours.

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No, Facebook spam-bots, I do NOT dream of making easy money from home, if I did I would offer cat daycare or become a drug dealer.

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Book clubs must find it really hard to talk about “Fight Club”.

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When I want someone to stop talking to me, I simply glaze over and say slowly and clearly, “Tom has now left the conversation”.

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Kim Jong-Il’s body to be donated to science to help make Cunt Bomb.

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(On December 21st) 

Only four more sleeps until I have to remember all my cousins’ babies names!

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My twitter can be found here.

This is fucking lovely.

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Voting for triple j’s Hottest 100 for 2011 opens pretty soon; you can check out my top 10 songs of the year here if you like.

Any crossover for you?

I’ve been lucky enough to talk to some of my comedy heroes over the past two years of doing triple j breakfast. It’s such an honour and probably my favourite part of this whole crazy job.

I thought I’d compile a few of the chats here, just for you, comedy-loving dear reader:

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I’m going to record my 2011 show Since 1989 for a comedy album.

I’m really excited because I love comedy albums and this will be my first one and it’s important to have a big crowd there whooping and cheering and laughing in the background to make you sound funny and popular.

You could be part of that big crowd. WOW YOU GUYS!

The great news is tickets are only $10 and all the funds raised will go directly to Oxfam’s ‘Close The Gap’ Initiative. 

The show is happening at the Sydney Comedy Store on Saturday December 10th at 5:30pm. I’d love to have you there if you can make it because it’s a great cause and show is filled with funny bits.

All the details and booking-ness here.

My nice friend Karl Chandler has been very busy compiling hilarious jokes from a shitload of Aussie comedians such as myself and squashed them all into a little book called Funny Buggers.

This works out great for me as jokes and buggery are, like, my two favourite things.

The book features tasty zingers from this country’s finest and is, quite honestly, the perfect Christmas gift. You can order it from Penguin Australia here if you like.