In 2009, my nice friends who formed the Anarchist Guild Social Committee, a very funny sketch outfit, asked me to contribute a sketch to one of their monthly shows. Because I am a narcissist, I wrote the below.
I think it’s still funny, even if you don’t know what the people look like.
Thanks to Nick Caddaye, Andrew McClelland, Celia Pacquola, Tegan Higgenbotham and Ben McKenzie.
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(A bare stage. As NICK reads the following from a piece of paper [somewhat reluctantly], ACTORS bring on a simple table and two chairs.)
NICK:
The next sketch you’re about to experience has been written and directed by a very special guest. We here at the Anarchist Guild Social Committee feel privileged – nay, honoured – to have this man involved in our humble little sketch show for a fee which is significantly less than that which he usually accepts. It truly is the pinnacle of our careers to be working alongside both the most respected and most underrated theatre directors in the world today. Tom Ballard’s work is often compared to that of theatre geniuses such as Orson Welles and Trevor Nunn and is regularly found to shit all over it. He is truly a maverick and revolutionary figure when it comes to theatre-making; he is famously quoted as saying “Stanislavski can suck my dick and his method can eat my hole”.
Ballard has been working in the industry for over 18 months now and has toured all over the state with his challenging productions, including his 12-act play Cunt, his movement piece I Love A Sunburnt Cunt and the smash-hit musical Chitty Chitty Bang Cunt.
In directing tonight’s sketch for the Anarchist Guild, Tom Ballard has made a conscious decision to try and achieve something more than the usual cock-a-mimmy shit-fest we churn out. He has sworn to make the Anarchist Guild Social Committee socially relevant for once and has endeavoured to make it truly mean something.
Tom has specifically asked that at no point during the sketch do you laugh or applaud out of respect for the traditional owners of the land.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that we present to you: A Sketch as directed by Tom Ballard.
(Audience will applaud. NICK to stare them down until they stop)
NICK
Thank you.
A Sketch.
(NICK exits. TEGAN sits at the table with BEN. ANDREW stands away from the other two. All three stare out into the middle distance and deliver their lines slowly and painfully.)
TEGAN
‘Tis winter again.
BEN
Yes.
TEGAN
Oh, the seasons are so cruel.
BEN
No. (Looks directly at Tegan) The seasons just are.
(ANDREW sings a short phrase from an Arabic-sounding tune. TEGAN, looking BEN directly in the eye, picks up a squeaky toy and gives it a solitary squeak. BEN looks away, shattered. ANDREW sings another phrase. CELIA enters from one side of the stage, walks to the centre, faces the audience, gives one solitary clap and says, “Hope”. She then exits. BEN and TEGAN look at each other for a long time, then suddenly throw the table to the side and collapse into each other’s arms. They are both close to tears.)
BEN
Oh God, how I wish we could be as we once were!
TEGAN
(staring out into the horizon) I can see the old orchard from my childhood!
BEN
How the years have worn us down to the bone and destroyed our love and life!
TEGAN
I can see my mother and my father and our little dog, Freddie!
BEN
Oh Lord above, we are all such fools in awe of you!
TEGAN
Run to me, Freddie! Run to me!
BEN
NO!!! Don’t you see, Elizabeth? Freddie’s not coming back!
(BEN and TEGAN freeze. CELIA enters again, walks to centre stage, gives one solitary clap and says, “Despair”. ANDREW sings a line from an Italian opera. BEN and TEGAN unfreeze.)
TEGAN
You fucking bastard!
BEN
Fuck you, you whore, you never understood me!
TEGAN
Oh God, is that what you really think, you fucking cunt?
BEN
(starts to cry) You know, Elizabeth…I just don’t know where we went wrong…
(CELIA enters again, walks to centre stage, gives a solitary clap and says “Cunt”. A pause. ANDREW shrieks. CELIA curls up into a ball in the centre of the stage. Suddenly TOM enters, annoyed.)
TOM
Right, stop right there, fuck this, this is awful. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry to have to come out here and stop the sketch and everything but this is genuinely terrible and I refuse to have my name associated with this wretched, horrible, awful, awful shit.
(Awkward silence.)
Seriously, this is just tripe; you’ve all lost focus, you don’t know what you’re doing – you’re not believable; I don’t believe any of you. Seriously. This performance was so terrible it forced me to come out here in front of everyone and fucking break the fourth wall like a hack, like a fucking chump; a Brechtian chump, for shit’s sake. I can’t believe you let this happen.
BEN
Alright, settle down…
TOM
No fuck you! Fuck you, Ben! If you want to work with the best, you’ve got to give me the best! The fucking best, Ben! If you don’t like it, you can walk, man. I cast you in this role because I think you’ve got something, man, but at the moment all you’re giving me is crap and shit wrapped in fuck.
BEN
I’m sorry…
TOM
“Sorry” isn’t good enough, mate! Four words, Ben: Chitty Chitty Bang Cunt.
(CELIA gets up and storms off.)
TOM
Yeah you better walk, Pacquola! My arse can clap better than you and it doesn’t even have shitting goddamn hands!
ANDREW
Okay, Tom, I think you should maybe just settle down…
TOM
Don’t poison this stage with your homophobia, McClelland!
ANDREW
What?
TOM
Oh, you think I should just “settle down”, is that what you said? Do you think I’m overreacting or something? Do you think I’m “over the top”? Like I’m camping it up a bit, or something? Like a drama queen? Like some dirty little faggot, Andy? Like a dirty homosexual poofta who’s destined to burn in hell?????!
ANDREW
….no.
TOM
I never liked you, McClelland!
(ANDREW leaves.)
TOM
Right; at least now we see who’s really dedicated to making some shitting art. Okay, this is going to be alright, we’ll start again. We need to focus, okay? Has everyone forgotten our animal exercise? I think so. Okay animal positions, guys!
(TEGAN and BEN take on the persona of an animal each. BEN is a bird and TEGAN looks like a wombat.)
TOM
Tegan, what the fuck is that?
TEGAN
Um…I’m a wombat?
TOM
Numbat, Tegan, you’re a fucking numbat! Jesus Christ, can I work with fucking professionals for once in my life! I expect this kind of bullshit with the Glenrowan Amateur Players, but with you guys…
(TOM storms off. A long pause.)
BEN
What a cunt.
(BEN and TEGAN exit. TOM returns to the stage and bows. If the audience clap, he glares them down, then walks off again)