How can you tell your mate is an Aussie Muslim?
He’s always facing Macca.
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I don’t think nice guys necessarily finish last, but I do think hot guys are cheating.
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I think I’d be a bad parent. I know I’d look at my newborn and my immediate thought would be: “Oh…one day I’m going to catch you wanking.”
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“Of course, I was into GaGa BEFORE she was on Letterman…” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue
“Wow – you’re so good at doing the Little Monsters arm claw!” “I had a stroke.” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue
“What’s that smell?” “My meat dress.” “I think it’s gone off.” “FUCK YOU I WAS BORN THIS WAY!” #ConversationsFromTheMonstersHallQueue
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Urgh, just went to the WORST event ever. Such a shame; I thought Tanya’s “I Lost All My Numbers” Party would be a riot.
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Genuine line from Shane Bourne’s Wikipedia article: “He was also in a few episodes of Prisoner”. #Logies
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I think it’s totally appropriate that the Herald Sun is the major sponsor for #MICF2011; it’s been providing punchlines for years.
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Hey when I open my sperm donation centre, remind me to name it “Get A Load Of This!”.
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I feel sorry for Jordan Paris; every comedian steals material. I’m always stealing Mr. Methane’s jokes, particularly after I eat eggs.
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Trying to pick an outfit for tonight’s Odd Future gig. Should I wear my “Choose Life” T-Shirt or my strapless dress?
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Reading Christopher Hitchens’ memoir. He describes an American cafe’s English muffin as “a travesty of both Englishness and muffindom”.
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Saw #Sourcecode. I can handle alternate realities inside people’s minds, but I found the whole “Russell Peters is funny” thing unrealistic.
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“Fred Durst” sounds like something from Shakespeare, but Fred Durst doesn’t.
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I really hope that when I get cancer from using my phone too much people will be able to tell it’s iPhone 4 cancer.
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#OsamaBinLaden #thuglife
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I think the Bali Boy deserves our compassion. 14-year-olds think Lee Harding is a good idea, and we let them off with a warning.
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Really, dead Christians? Not ONE of you is live tweeting heaven?
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If I was a celebrity chef, I’d call myself The Nombudsman.
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I’m tipping Yusuf Islam to play #OsamabinLaden in the biopic. Against his will.
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(During an episode of ABC’s “Q & A” in Albury-Wadonga)
“Our next question is from Finkle McStrawbones.” “My question is for all them shiny lights youse have – what in tarnation are ye???” #qanda
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It’s official: America is mightier than prolonged kidney disease. #BinLaden
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Someone invited me to the #FB event “Get the official DISLIKE button now!” 5 times and I don’t know how to express my annoyance at that.
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You’re right, @JimWallaceACL: the Australia our servicemen and women fought for didn’t endorse gay rights or Islam. Or the metric system.
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If I asked Morrissey out and he said, “I haven’t got a stitch to wear”, I’d be like, “Fuck off – I’ve seen your suits.”
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“Hey funky *cool* kids!?!? Don’t forget about THIS event you’ve never heard of – it’s set to be a BLAST! \^o^/” – PR Twitter accounts
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When it comes to labeling shower taps in hotel rooms, I appreciate subtlety.
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Having lunch with my Gran. She’s got a real knack for connecting anyone she talks about to either PROBUS or the fact that they’re dead.
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If Tarantino directed #The3Ninjas, Tum Tum would be filled with shame because of his weight problem and perform seppuku.
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If you enjoy urolagnia, all hours are the wee hours.
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No, Facebook spam-bots, I do NOT dream of making easy money from home, if I did I would offer cat daycare or become a drug dealer.
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Book clubs must find it really hard to talk about “Fight Club”.
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When I want someone to stop talking to me, I simply glaze over and say slowly and clearly, “Tom has now left the conversation”.
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Kim Jong-Il’s body to be donated to science to help make Cunt Bomb.
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(On December 21st)
Only four more sleeps until I have to remember all my cousins’ babies names!
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My twitter can be found here.